Globe & Mail<\/p>\n
Barbara Moses, Ph.D, is an international speaker, work\/life expert, and best-selling author of Dish: Midlife Women Tell the Truth About Work, Relationships, and the Rest of Life.<\/p>\n
Someone recently sent me an e-mail about some work she had done. At least I think that was what it was about.<\/p>\n
With seven acronyms in a couple of paragraphs, it had as much meaning as alphabet soup. She wrapped up by saying that I looked familiar, and asked if I had met her (at another acronym conference).<\/p>\n
I frequently receive such incomprehensible notes. I always wonder if the senders have any idea of how ridiculous they sound, and how their communication style seriously undermines how they are seen by others.<\/p>\n
Some reflect underlying personality deficiencies, such as narcissism, arrogance, insecurity or laziness. Others are simply irritating quirks. Regardless, they all interfere with an individual’s communication effectiveness.<\/p>\n
Whether written or oral, here are some of the more egregious types of communication sins. If you see yourself committing them, consider the suggestions for changing how you communicate.<\/p>\n
Narcissism <\/b><\/p>\n
Narcissistic communicators not only see everything from their own point of view, they believe that everything about that point of view and who they are is endlessly fascinating.<\/p>\n
The main function of an audience is to mirror how great the narcissist is.
\nThis is the office bore who, when telling a story to co-workers, thinks that 20 years of week-by-week background is necessary to really understand what he or she is are saying.<\/p>\n
Or the egomaniac, who relays, word for word, an entire conversation and then repeats all the clever things he or she said.<\/p>\n
Or the people who think they are so endlessly fascinating that you must remember them after meeting them at a conference 15 years before.<\/p>\n
Narcissists rarely see themselves. But if you can, take note: What enthralls you – you – is not particularly enthralling to others. Unless you are one of the rare charming raconteurs, stories about how accomplished and admired you are can be terminally boring.<\/p>\n
Give your co-workers some breathing room. Ask something about them. And get to the point quickly.<\/p>\n
Arrogance <\/b><\/p>\n
Arrogant communicators see interpersonal interactions as a kind of competitive sport. The winner? The person who inflates his or her own ego by diminishing that of others.<\/p>\n
They usually keep their cards close to the chest, waiting for you to make an idiot of yourself. For example, when you offer an opinion, the person says, in a voice dripping with patronizing indulgence, “That’s an interesting point of view.” What you hear: “That’s the most incredibly stupid thing anyone has ever said.”<\/p>\n
Sometimes the psychological underpinning of arrogant communication is arrogance. But sometimes it is actually shyness.<\/p>\n
If you think people experience you as arrogant, and you don’t actually believe yourself to be superior but are simply socially awkward, soften how people see you.<\/p>\n
Compliment co-workers. Ask them questions about their work. Act like what they say is important.<\/p>\n
Status seekers <\/b><\/p>\n
They come in a variety: Name droppers need to be seen as a Very Important Person by their association with Very Important People. Achievement droppers like to tell you who they are by a list of all their recent accomplishments, quantified: “My unit increased profitability 500 per cent last quarter.” Or “my stock portfolio soared 1,000 per cent.”<\/p>\n
Both are insecure – name-droppers searching are for cachet by association; achievement-droppers want recognition of their competence. Unfortunately, both do the opposite of what they intended: They don’t impress.<\/p>\n
Rather than assume people care about who you know or your business coups, share something about you are, or an interesting life experience. Make a connection.<\/p>\n
Jargon addiction <\/b><\/p>\n
The people who pepper all conversation with professional terminology also typically have many insecurities.<\/p>\n
They are really saying, “Look at how smart I am.” Or, “Look at what exclusive club I belong to that you don’t.”<\/p>\n
The alienating language usually backfires. Rather than thinking, “My, how clever you are because you use five-syllable words rarely spoken in everyday English,” I always think, “If you were really clever, you would be able to translate this professional concept into words my mother would have understood.”<\/p>\n
Simplify your language and your audience may understand you better, and be more interested in what you have to say.<\/p>\n
Adjective impairment <\/b><\/p>\n
One of my clients was delighted when the shy staff member she had coached delivered a highly poised presentation.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, my client didn’t relay her delight in a very motivating way: Instead of saying how great it was, she merely said it was fine.<\/p>\n
The adjective-deprived use language so flat and matter-of- fact that you have little idea what the communicator really thinks about something. And such neutral language is not very inspiring.<\/p>\n
On the flipside are those who go too far, describing everything as cool, fabulous, awesome or amazing – discounting the value of anything that really is worthy of that description.<\/p>\n
Adjective deprivation is easy to fix: Use fulsome words, and give emotive feedback.<\/p>\n
To remedy adjective overuse, be selective in what you describe as being awesome, and use adjectives appropriate to the situation. Not everything requires a modifier.<\/p>\n
Soft speaking <\/b><\/p>\n
Whether, as some psychologists suggest, speaking in a quiet voice is a sign that someone is manipulative and trying to get more power in a conversation, or simply that the communicator has weak vocal chords, the effect is the same: The listener will stop listening or trying to understand.<\/p>\n
Raise your voice if you are constantly being asked to repeat yourself or see that your listener practically has his or her ear on your lips.<\/p>\n
Speaking verrry slooowly <\/b><\/p>\n
These people, most often older workers, talk very deliberately. The problem is that by the time they get to the point, their audience has often drifted off.<\/p>\n
Do people sometimes finish your sentences for you? When you look at someone you are talking to, are his or her eyes glazed over?<\/p>\n
If you answered yes, you may need to speed it up if you want your audience to hear what you have to say.<\/p>\n
Missing the point <\/b><\/p>\n
My friends say the worst insult I can level is to describe someone as “concrete.” Here’s an example. You lead into a brilliant solution you’ve come up with by way of a brief anecdote about bumping into someone in the hall. When you are finished your clever analysis, your listener asks: “Where in the hall did you bump into her?”<\/p>\n
If you absolutely must ask a question that shows you completely missed the point, take a lesson from my husband who, after many years of training, has finally learned to acknowledge when he focuses on the tangential instead of the gist.<\/p>\n
Banality <\/b><\/p>\n
Whenever I get together with one acquaintance, he peppers me with banal questions, such as which hotel chain I prefer to stay in or on what floor.<\/p>\n
He’s not interested in the answers – and why should he be? He’s just trying to make a connection, but I always feel he’s taken one Dale Carnegie course too many.<\/p>\n
The key to making a connection is to be genuine. Ask an interesting question. If you don’t have one, try silence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Globe & Mail Barbara Moses, Ph.D, is an international speaker, work\/life expert, and best-selling author of Dish: Midlife Women Tell the Truth About Work, Relationships, and the Rest of Life. Someone recently sent me an e-mail about some work she had done. At least I think that was what it was about. With seven acronyms […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3,10],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=176"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":490,"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176\/revisions\/490"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=176"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=176"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbaramoses.ca\/articles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=176"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}